Growing to the sun, drifting on the wind

Growing to the sun, drifting on the wind

Somewhat poetic title, but nothing all that much about what I felt like talking about. I’ve always felt two ways about humanity, on the one hand there is this desire to go away, to go so far into the depths of the universe that I never see another human face, and the other part that actually desires contact with human being. Both are part of the same continuum, and for the same reason I think, the first is the desire to run away, to make the reason for the pain no longer be there. This is also why sometimes there is a part of me that wouldn’t fear the end of humanity. Then there is the other part that so wants to be part of the group, and yet is continually hurt by lack of not being there. The hurt drives a desire to leave and never come back, but the hurt comes from being lonely in a crowd. Being alone in a crowd is so much worse than just being alone, because being alone in crowd you are being constantly reminded of what you do not have. Every child laughing, ever lover’s kiss,  and every drunken night out with friends is yet another spike in the wall of my mind, driving home the hurt, telling me what I do not have. What I do not have, and pain from not having is one reason I would not shed a tear at humanity being lost to time or distance, nor to me just leaving altogether. People I have observed have things they would miss If they left, there is always something to tie them down; yet I do not, I could go anywhere in the world anywhere in the universe and I would not miss a thing. It is though not because I am so strong, but because I truly have no connection to anyone, and yet every day I find myself needing it; how I wish I could eradicate that desire, at least I wouldn’t be always so needlessly in pain. No connection is part of the reason why peer pressure does not affect me, you actually have to care about what somebody thinks for the peer pressure to even work, I never cared. But not because I have no feelings or empathy, but because as long as I can remember I have felt alone,  if you do not feel connections to people  you do not care, or at least you do not care in the emotional way, there is a general caring I have in a cool sort of intellectual way. What I feel is dangerous though, because I  want  to not be alone so badly I would probably literally sell my soul for chance at companionship, and readily do whatever other’s would tell me if it meant they were my genuine friend. You see what I am, a slave to pain, a servant to anyone who would throw me a life vest to my drowning self. I think if it weren’t for myself getting in the way, I would not feel this pain, my flaw I feel is in never being  able to live beyond what I am. A catch 22 which I made and built myself, and in which I am caught in a inexorable current away from humanity, and yet always thirsting for the smallest droplet.